Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
