This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
