i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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