I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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