I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
