he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
