My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
