i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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