Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
