the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
