imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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