Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
