those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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