my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
