I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
