im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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