I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
