You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
