There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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