I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
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