I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
