I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Randomize
