I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
