life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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