How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
