Screwed.edu
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
