I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
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