This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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