Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
