I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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