Your dad touched me again.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
