I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
