i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
love makes seman taste better
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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