I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
