I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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