i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
