omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
