I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize