Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
