Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
