Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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