The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
