Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
