I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I see more hoeing in ur future
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