i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
