Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
