I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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