Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
