textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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