I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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