apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
