There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
