WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
