Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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