I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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