I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
