were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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