If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize