id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Randomize
